So there I was on the paved trail minding my own business. I was soaked and cold. One foot landed in a puddle and was squishing with each step. My MyZone was beeping on and off and the cold rain soaked my right side. Enough rain had trickled down my shirt and made my bra wet and slightly uncomfortable. But that was my “me time” and I wanted to be out there so bad so I was suckin it up buttercup and workin with it. I had my headphones in listening to 1990’s gansta rap and desperately trying not to bust a move. I kept my focus ahead of me cause I knew as I would round the corner I would hit 4 miles. I was shooting for 6. Missy Elliot and I were rap duetting “Get Ur Freak On” when I heard honking. I had only seen a couple other people on the trail and mostly ignored it. Just as I was singing along, “Hollaaaaaaaa,” I suddenly felt something hit my leg. I glanced back to see what it was. IT WAS A FREAKIN GOOSE. And on his tail were two more. They were honkin and squawkin and flappin their giant wings while they were charging at me! So I did the same thing all of you would have done - I screamed like a girl and ran!
I was feeling pretty tired at almost 4 miles so my run was much more desperate than it was effective and I realized something - I don’t run. I used to, but that was a really long time ago. I can’t run with any speed and these birds were gaining. They have these long ass necks, so that jerk in the front actually made contact a couple of times. There I was, out minding my own damn business, on the paved trail, not in the water and not in their soggy grass, and these jokers were out to put a little “git-up” in my step. And for the record these are no ankle biters either. They are HUGE, so when he came at me with his long neck ,he was going for meat! At calf level. I was out there workin on my fitness and trying to gain new muscle, and this dirty bastard was trying to eat it! Not today, goosy goose, not today!
I turned onto a part of the trail that had trees on both sides and ran into the winter stricken trees on the right. I could hear those jackholes still honkin at me. My heart was racing and my breath was tight. I spotted a stick that was a good two feet long and grabbed that as my weapon. I turned around and it was like they recognized the Stick of Doom. They stopped. Realizing the power I then possessed, I began to wave the stick around in a threatening manner. I stepped forward and Mr. Hot Shot starts honking again. His sidekicks have headed back to where we first met. So I stop dead in my tracks. The rain was dripping down my face and I was mouth breathing - heavily. The meany head goose was just staring me down. This is where I weigh out my options. 1 - I face this foul and get back to my car that is nearby and leave. 2 - Stand there and scream til someone finds me. 3 - Play dead. (Which probably turns to real death. Cause let’s be real - I come from sunny SoCal. I don’t do nature and this dude wants to eat me.) Number 4, and my last option, was to Facebook Live the encounter for at least two reasons; video proof of any further action being self defense, and the hope that someone local is on FB and can go save me! While FB Live sounded like a good option, I chose to pull up my big girl panties and face the fear.
So, with a firm grip on the stick, I moved forward. Slow and steady. I hear my MyZone triple beep indicating that I haven’t moved in 15 seconds. Yeah, thanks, MyZone. Let’s see you go out there and run for your life, and then just keep pace and move along being all fitness and such. Ugh. I kept moving forward and the goose stood his ground. I pointed the stick lower and held my arm straight out trying to keep as much distance between the two of us as possible. I was so tired at that point that if I needed to run for my life again, it was likely not gonna happen. I would have to lay there and accept fate. But I kept moving and he started honking and striking at my stick. I holler out “NO! You stop that!” Spoiler Alert - that doesn’t work. He continued honking and I just decided to get out of there and get past him. But to keep my eye on him I needed to start walking backwards. Which meant my back was to the sidekicks. I am taking small steps, keeping a close eye on the big guy. He kept close to me as he would step forward with each of my steps back. I was out of the tree lined area and approaching the lot with my car when I hear a honk very near to me. (I may or may not have jumped 12 feet into the air.) I look to my left and there is another one! I switch my stick to his direction and just as I do the big one flaps his wings and he runs RUNS towards me!
Are you flippin kidding me?! I just want to get my MEPs in and was not interested in a wild goose chase. But there I was forced into it. I scream and throw the stick his way. I turned my sore ass body towards my car and ran for it. As I was running, I was also trying to get my car key out of the key pocket on the waistband of my pants. Let me tell you something - those key pockets are awesome! They provide the perfect spot for your key while you are fitnessing. You don’t feel it and it’s still there when you are done. But clothing designers did not take into account the removal of the key while running for your life in a wild goose chase! It’s nearly impossible. So, I am near death but also near my car. I have heard my milage tracker interrupt my gansta rap and I have officially hit 4 miles. So victory! Yay! But there are still geese on my tail. I get to my car and round to the opposite side hoping to use it as a shield. I pop my head up. I am fully ready to jump onto the hood and hope that there will be safety in the added height. (Yes, I do realize they are birds and height ain’t no thang for them, but I was grasping at anything and everything - it’s called survival!)
Anyway, I look up over the hood of my car and guess what I see?
Come on - guess!
NOTHING! At some point they gave up the chase and let me go. I ran for my life and if anyone saw it they surly had to wonder what was wrong with me. I can see waaaaaaaaay back that the geese were all back in the soggy grass. Probably laughing with each other and loading their videos to YouTube. I stood there catching my breath and calmly reaching for my key. I then decided that I understand why people hunt these jerks. And as much as I could never do it, I say - hunt them! They are natures bullies! And with a quick google search you will find that they have teeth on their tongues!!! WTF?!
I like going out to Terry Trueblood and will still go in the future. I will be a little more alert for sure. I also think I am gonna have to work on my running. Ha! It’s amazing the motivation that fear brings and the way adrenaline can move your body in ways it doesn’t typically move. Oh, my life. Here are some pictures to show you exactly what my Saturday looked like. Just imagine it rainy and cold...
